Day 81: What to Expect when You're Expecting
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always romanticise what it would be like to have a child, where within considering what it would be like to have a child, I only ever picture the 'happy' moments of holding a baby sleeping or playing with a child in a park - everything that seems to be fun about having children - and deliberately ignoring all the difficult points in terms of having to take care of a child 24/7, where the child becomes the number one priority of my life and I have barely any time left to do what I'd like to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define pregnancy as a 'deep' spiritual/highly meaningful experience of bliss, where mothers just experience 'love' and intimacy with the unborn child, without ever wondering what the actual, physical, experience is of having a child, which, basically, involves the wrecking of the female body as a parasite grows inside the womb.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an opinion of what pregnancy should be like and how I should feel about pregnancy and how I should experience it, based on a memory where I told my mother about my French teacher who said that she hated being pregnant and that she never wants to go through it again - to which my mother said 'wat e kieke', which is, loosely-translated from Dutch: 'what a moron' - where, I then created the idea/perception/belief that pregnancy is something you SHOULD enjoy as a mother and that it is unacceptable to acknowledge any unpleasant experiences within it - thinking/believing that that would make me a bad mother.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that mothers should only ever love their child and experience love towards their child - and that anything else indicates that the woman is a bad mother.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever really place myself in the shoes of a mother and looking at what is practically involved in pregnancy and motherhood - and what challenges are involved on both a mental and physical level - as all one's energy and focus is now placed on another being - which is something entirely different from how people generally live their lives, where they only ever take themselves into consideration - and thus, that it is quite a challenge to be a mother in this world, and that it can therefore obviously not just be a blissful experience filled with only an experience of 'love'.
Self-Forgiveness to be continued.